Part 2: Torn between Two Worlds 

 

by Jay Walter

 

In late November 1989 we decided to visit our new town, and see our new house.  We scoped out the small town for its amenities, and this included a visit to the Kingdom Hall where we would eventually attend..  Hindsight, being 20-20, I regret now that I did not try to get my family out of the organization before the move.  We could have slipped away to this new town, started over, with no JW in the area knowing who we were.  It still would have been most difficult, however, with JW friends calling, writing and visiting from California and Washington.  It would have been very awkward ... but we would have had to find a way – somehow.

 

It was too late:  We drove into the Kingdom Hall parking lot.  It was about noon on Saturday.  A JW man came out to our van to greet us.  We shook hands, making our introductions.  Little did I know this would prove to be the man who would be among the primary reasons for my being DA’d ... he was a child molester ... and already had a long track record.  We shared with him where we were moving and that we would be attending his congregation.  Soon others came out of the Hall, heading for a second round of Field Service or the local donut shop ... and a few more also came over to introduce themselves.  They all seemed very nice, and we looked forward to being part of their Hall.  Crisis of Conscience was tucked away in the back of my head for now.

 

Shortly after our move on December 1st, 1989, we begin attending meetings at the Hall.  Soon a nice letter from our previous congregation followed, and our family was now part of this congregation.  We were given meeting parts almost right away and began going out in Service, on Bible Studies, sharing in Kingdom Hall repairs and cleaning, and being invited to dinner with some families.  We were fitting in as we had done on many previous moves.  It seemed like an easy thing to do, like an old shoe ... comfortably fits to the shape of the feet ... yes, it has tears, scrapes, and not worth as much, but it still works - for a while longer at least.

 

Avoidance, Denial, and Reality:  In the months that followed in 1990, continuing in the JW routine was easy enough ... and somehow the book ... Crisis of Conscience kept slipping further and further back in the recesses of my memory, almost as if my own conscience wanted to bury it deep in the back yard, like a skeleton, and forget it.

 

I stayed a JW, because I did not see where else to go.  Ray Franz book was one opinion, one set of experiences.  Somehow, I must have rationalized away the seriousness of the concerns.  I know I wanted to wait and see if maybe his book was an embellishment, maybe this religion does more good than I give it credit, and should not be tossed away so fast.  After all, we had by this time over two decades with it, and such an investment in relationships, beliefs, practices, friends, family, and routine are not easily cast aside; not without serious consideration.  All this required time – how much time I did not know – but I had to give it time before I could be sure.

 

Nevertheless, there was an ever-present sense within the marrow of my bones.  This nagging feeling kept reminding me of the “book”.  I felt that I still must watch, pay attention, and not accept everything so easily anymore.  Little defining moments continuously popped up.  I recall one time when an Elder was commenting at a Book Study how we need to appreciate the rich Spiritual Food from the Faithful Slave.  He conveyed how the Governing Body studies, prays, discusses, ponders, debates, carefully weighs all information from all sides ... then acts slowly before publishing new understanding.  He said that the Governing Body made sure of all things, and then came out with a unanimous decision.

 

At hearing such things, I would jolt, and cringe ... recalling how Ray Franz said that the Governing Body did not really consider serious material, like the work sent in by Carl Olaf Jonnson regarding the 607 BCE to 1914 CE dating problems.  The Governing Body barely looked at the material.  If any decision were made, it was more along the political lines between themselves, or a sense of favoritism ... by a two-thirds vote.  I would want to comment with a correction, but then remembered where I got my information, and my freedom to speak fleeted away.  Time and again, I felt this wrenching between functioning as a JW and knowing what I knew to be in error.  At times it was like being bounced back and forth on a tennis court.  I would bounce one way, then smack, hit back the other way, over and over again and again.  All I could do was feel alone and emotionally numb.

 

Re-appointed in mid-1990:  Due to my moves from California to Portland area, and then out to the plant, I was not serving in any capacity.  Then came my appointment in our new congregation.  I did not have the same sense of feeling validated as part of a progressive movement ... rather, I simply felt a routine.  Maybe in some way, I would not be as noticed as I might were I irregular or inactive.  I could blend in, and go on with my JW life.  At the time, I had no altruistic motives of mitigating harm or performing some mission ... nor did I have any sense of enjoying prestige or honor as I might have years earlier.

 

All the Elder positions were taken, except the PO doubled as the Watchtower Conductor and Talk Coordinator.  Given my past experience as Secretary and Talk Coordinator, he passed on to me the job of assigning Public Talks.  With that, of course, I was back on the Public Talk circuit.  This was a blessing in a way, because I could be careful about which talks I gave.  There were some talks that I no longer felt good about.  I could not in good conscience present them as the outlines were written.  So, this level of control made my job easy.  Prior to reading Crisis of Conscience I loved giving talks on doctrine or the Last Days, but now, I moved toward talks on Christian living, caring for one another, and our relationship with God.

 

My new favorite talk was on prayer, where I was able to elevate the individual directly to God, and set the organization aside.  With these types of talks, I could make slight alterations without being noticed and without getting nervous on the platform.  No, I did not deviate from ‘official’ teachings ... but, I changed "emphasis" with the importance of the individual in mind, now more than ever.  Ray Franz’s words, “Concern for people rather then concern for authority or position” keep ringing in my heart.  No matter what I did though, the subsequent months after reading Crisis of Conscience kept me torn between two worlds, and not a week or month went by without some reminder, something said or done that would trigger in me the continuing struggle.

 

Then in early 1991, I received another “life altering” item in the mail.  This was something completely unexpected.  Another Milestone was approaching that would thrust me into an irreversible motion, as if I were in space with no way to change direction or speed ... just ride it out.  I checked my company mail box and discovered another envelope from the same address as Commentary Press.  The name of the sender was again cut off as before, and I appreciated this even more now than ever.  The JW man that I worked with had also moved out to the plant with me.  And now our schedules were nearly the same, and our work stations were closer together ... just over the wall.  So, I had to be careful of visitors and phone calls being overheard.

 

The Envelope!  It was not actually a letter from Commentary Press.  Rather, it was an invitation to make an advance purchase of Ray Franz new book, ”In Search of Christian Freedom”.  It was going to be even larger, and deal with topics not touched on by Crisis of Conscience.  I reacted immediately, for I could not get my checkbook and pen out fast enough to make my order.  The envelope also contained an order blank for other books, like ”Crisis of Conscience”, and “The Gentile Times Reconsidered” and others.  I decided on three books, In Search, Crisis, and Where is the Great Crowd Serving.  I would order more later, but I had to have Crisis of Conscience as it was too valuable to me, full of history, facts, names, date, and references.  The cost, with shipping, was almost exactly $30.00.  Later, I would think about this equating to Thirty Pieces of Silver.

 

In February 1991:  I was invited to give a part on the Circuit Assembly at Woodburn, Oregon.  Normally this would have been a major delight.  But, this time, I was scared.  I did not want the part, but the way it was given to me, I was not really asked ... just expected to perform.  The Circuit Overseer seemed to like me I guess, and wanted me to be on the program.  He didn’t know that I did not like him much.  Funny thing is, I don’t recall much of what the part was about other than it was during the experiences program.

 

At the Assembly,  I sat in the waiting room back stage, pretending to review my notes.  I did not need to prepare anymore, I just wanted to stare at something and not look up, chancing any eye contact with anyone.  Then, the Elder just ahead of me, speaking to the audience, said something about Thirty Pieces of Silver ... and suddenly, there was that stab from the recent past that went right through me ... I had just sent off $30 to Commentary Press for apostate literature.  And here I am about to give a part on the Assembly ... how strange ... how could I do this?  How could I live torn between two worlds ... how could I get up before 1800 people and talk about bringing people into the religion when I myself am revisiting its validity, its credibility, it very foundation for cracks, flaws, and major breakage?

 

”Now we will hear from Brother Jay about how he ....” As I walked onto the stage I was asking Jehovah to knock me out so that I would not have to go through with this ... it was not right.  I stood at the microphone while it was adjusted.  Then, my mind went blank.  The Elder conducting the part asked me to tell about the experience, and looking at me he nodded with a smile, expecting me to begin ...

 

To calm myself, I surveyed the audience with a pause ... this built some anticipation and allowed me a moment to remember where I was to begin.  Like a well oiled machine, I begin delivering the part smoothly, properly punctuating the right words with the right emphasis and timing ... it all went well ... and before I knew it, the audience was clapping, and I was thanked for such a “rich” experience.

 

As I walked off the stage, the Conductor was giving a pep talk in almost eulogy style based on the experience I just gave.  It did not feel right ... any sense of delight I might of had was shattered because I could not get those “Thirty Pieces of Silver” out of my mind.  I started asking myself why I didn’t order $45 or $50 worth of books so that this comparison would not be taking place.  Little did I realize that the “Thirty Pieces of Silver” would come back to haunt me one more time in a more serious development.

 

My Family:  It seemed like a lifetime since my wife and I talked about Crisis of Conscience.  Here my family was going to meetings, out in Service, and to assemblies and conventions.  My oldest son was talking about going to Bethel.  My oldest daughter was just beginning to Regular Pioneer.  My youngest children were thinking about baptism.  They were living according to their training.  I was at least 50% responsible for them being what they are ... part of the ‘up and coming’ next generation of Jehovah’s Witnesses.

 

Up to this point, our family studies were pretty much as they had always been.  We usually prepared for the Watchtower Study or Book Study.  I had not reached the point of how I would help them out of the organization, because I was still torn, undecided, divided and could not find a way to meld in what I knew.  I would do little things, however, that maybe helped.  I talked about making sure of what they really believe, to research, to not take things at face value.  I reminded them that whatever they do in life has to be their own, from their own hearts, and never because they felt pushed or do things because of peer and social pressure, not even from fellow Jehovah’s Witnesses.  Whether this was making any dent or not, I had no way of knowing.

 

Sometimes, I would bring out little fact-oids ... little points of dispute where something said by way of history of the Society, or some other point where I could gently set the record straight.  I kept hoping that some of what I was doing might be laying the groundwork for more in-depth discussion.  Nonetheless, with my own divided heart, I could not yet come out with any concrete plan or program to help them ... no, not until I was sure myself and had arrived at a safe position.  I had to just bide my time for the foreseeable future.

 

Starting to relax and change:  While I was not ready to make wholesale changes, I found myself making concessions here and there with the family and myself.  My oldest son wanted to be in his High School play, “Westside Story” so I gave permission.  Before the play, one of the Elders counseled my son to stay out of the play.  I wondered why the Elder would do this without my knowledge.  I would have confronted him, but I was still too afraid of an explosion that would hurt my situation, or worse still, being Disfellowshipped for apostasy.  So, I told my son it was okay to go ahead, but keep it to himself.  My wife and I attended the play and saw a great performance making us proud of our son ... this was a small but defining moment ... for we were taking some steps to be part of normal civilization ... and appreciate the talent and drive of our child.

 

I also began talking with my daughters about being independent, getting an education, and standing equal with men.  I steered around Watchtower teachings on “Subjection” by playing on the hard realities of life in earning adequate income, or taking care of themselves in the event their husbands died, or they chose to remain single.  I suppose that the process of helping my family was actually beginning, but was still too much a part of the JW world ... too little, and almost too late.  I did not fully think about why I was doing everything as I did, or why I took actions to loosen the reigns of JW thought control; but the good thing is, it was in motion - even if slow motion.

 

Side Note:  I have many times since apologized to my children for some of their lost opportunities because of being JWs.  They have fully forgiven me, and understand.  Deep inside, though, to this day, I still get a knot in my stomach thinking about what might have been, at least for them and my wife.  Also, unknown to me, my oldest son had read parts of Crisis of Conscience at the Public Library before we left California.  We have talked about this, and what he was feeling during this time.  I will get his story typed up and post it sometime.

 

A few more months into 1991 passed when I called Commentary Press:  I was inquiring when the new book “In Search of Christian Freedom” might be mailed.  The woman who answered the phone told me that Ray Franz was adding more material, possibly another 200 pages, because of recent Watchtower articles and other information.  She said it would be sent out in the near future.  She then told me it was going to be a wonderful book, and that I won’t be disappointed.  She sounded so happy and fun to talk to.  I felt relaxed and nervous at the same time.  The conversation went on for a while and then we parted.  I did not know the person then, but later learned that she is Ros, who runs the Beacon site.  I had no idea how much our paths would cross in the years ahead.

 

Offers to Meet with Christians:  Shortly after I moved out to the plant, some Christians who knew I was a JW, starting offering to have me attend their "twice weekly" prayer and Bible reading sessions.  I wanted to say yes and no.  I feared how it might look to my JW friend who would surely find out about it.  I was torn about the JW rules against associating in a false religious setting.  Yet, my heart tugged at me to get to know these kind folks, and yet, not live just in the JW world.  They were always nice, and never failed to invite me.  I would one day find out just how important this was to them, and what they were trying to do for me.  This will be told in a future installment called, October Surprise II – the Sequel.

 

A few more months went by:  Our 1991 Summer District Conventions were over, and the Fall months were approaching.  We were also having much difficulty at the plant, because the reactor was shut down pending a test program I was completing.  I had to make travel arrangements to attend the last phase of the testing and dismantling of the test fixtures in Southern California.  One of the engineers, who was part of the group of Christians I mentioned above, is a mechanical engineer.  He is very competent and highly respected.  I asked him to travel with me to support the test findings and analysis from the mechanical perspective, while I did the electrical and material analysis.  This business trip would be so important to me personally, that it would soon help bring to an end my “living torn between two worlds.”  It was this trip that led to the “October Surprise” and another major milestone in my eventual exit.[/b] To be continued ...