Part 7: Resignation into the Void

 

by Jay Walter

 

The Memorial was now past ... and the moment of final decision arrived.  I could no longer continue on being a JW, or at least serving in an appointed position of any kind.  I could not in good conscience carry forth the WTS message Door-to-Door.  I could not go to their meetings.  Yet, I had to remain ‘officially’ a JW, inactive, but still a JW until the time that I was sure my family could and would join me, or at least not shun me.  This was going to be a trial for me to attempt to fade away ... and maybe the JWs might forget me ... and I could simply move on to a new life.

 

After the last Sunday Meeting on April 26, 1992:  I asked the PO into the “back room” for a private chat.  I told him that some issues had come up in my life, not the least of which was my wife’s clinical depression.  She had already spent over 400 days in the hospital over the last few years ... I reasoned with him that my service to the Congregation was taking time away from her ... time that I needed to devote to her more than ever.  I stated that I would be invisible for a time, maybe several months or a year.  I then handed him my Resignation, and handed over the Public Talk books and Schedules.  I had avoided being scheduled for the last few months, so he would not need to find a fill-in for me.

 

He was very kind and understanding, but also very disappointed.  We generally had a very good relationship up to this point, and I think he favored me.  We at least had some level of “political” alliance.  He wondered if the recent saga with Elder A was also causing me to resign.  I assured him that nothing Elder A did would make me back down ... rather, my life had taken some serious turns ... and given my wife’s health, I saw no other way to deal with it other than shed congregational responsibilities.  He accepted my statements without much inquiry ... and I think that was due to the level of mutual understanding.  I wish in some ways he and I could have had an in-depth discussion about Crisis of Conscience and In Search of Christian Freedom ... but he was a lifelong JW, and I have little doubt that any trust or friendship would have immediately eroded into a Judicial meeting and allegations of Apostasy.

 

May 2nd , 1992 the Circuit Assembly at Woodburn:  I talked with the family about my resignation and they all accepted what I needed to do.  But, while our family discussions and studies were still on track, they were not yet aware of all of my reasons for stepping down, stepping aside, or whatever one would prefer to call it, and taking a long sabbatical.

 

My wife was not up to attending the Assembly, which had become more the case in recent years.  So, the Friday night before, I took the children, down to Woodburn and we checked into our favorite motel.  They already knew that I would not be attending the assembly, and seem to understand.  Then the next morning, we all got dressed and I dropped them off at the front of the Assembly Hall.  I drove off, and waved good-bye ... at this I felt strange because it was like I was now the Jack-JW who was merely taking the kids to Church while I did other things ... but, I knew I could not sit there and stomach anymore of the nonsense.

 

Lincoln City, Oregon ... the Pacific Ocean:  I decided that it was time to do some more thinking ... and I could not pass up the chance.  So, I drove from Woodburn, just off of Interstate 5, through Newberg, and down to Lincoln City at the coast.  I bought some Johnny Walker Scotch, and walked along the beach ... watching the waves crashing in ... and then gently receding back for yet another wave.  The Oregon Coast is very special because it is pristine ... and the water is generally too cold to swim in ... so the beaches tend to be less crowed ... but on this day, I had the ocean and wet sand all to myself.

 

I must have walked for what seemed like endless miles ... cool breeze, salt air ... the gentle roar of the ocean.  I thought I would have prayed more, but somehow, prayer did not seem as important ... just being alone, free from obligations, even for a few hours meant a lot.  No note taking.  No monitoring the children.  No distractions from people getting up and down ... and no guilt for having to leave the auditorium to go to the bathroom.  My only regret was that my wife was not with me to walk the beach together.  Maybe had she know that is what I would do, she might have come along.

 

Oblivion – Is this what it will be like to not be a JW anymore – Peace?  Yes, sweet peace. I was feeling good about my plans to fade away ... and now for the first time ever, I was finally enjoying the very first taste of what the future holds.  If this is part of what I will enjoy, then I am committed to continue, slowly, but steadily toward oblivion ... and mark this as a major turning point in my life.

 

”Brother Jay! ... Can we talk to you privately for a moment?”  I had just parked back at the Woodburn Assembly Hall and walked to the main entrance to wait for my children.  This sudden jarring request for a few moments in private shattered the peace I enjoyed for a few hours.  What could they possibly want with me?

 

“Brother Jay, we have some good news for you!”  I wondered what could have happened.  Did the Watch Tower Society suddenly go out of business?  I could not say that – but what could they possibly have as “Good News” that would be better news than what I was starting to feel?  “Brother, we just received some new information from the Society, and it fits you perfectly!”  What was that?  This afternoon the Elders held their usual meeting with the Circuit Overseer, and it was announced that Brothers who need time away for personal reasons do not have to resign their positions – but can stay on in a ‘holding’ status!  Isn’t that Good News?!”

 

I just smiled.

 

“So, we met as a body shortly afterwards, and voted unanimously to reject your Resignation, and place you on “hold.”  That way, when you finish meeting your personal needs, you can resume your position and we do not have to reappoint you.  What do you think?”

 

Please God, let me die!  Why can’t I just resign, walk away and get it over with?  Why does the Society now change their rules?  Did they see me coming and decide that they were going to make my life hell for me?  Then again, maybe this was another blessing in disguise.  After all, I could stop going to Meetings and out in Field Service, and they have directions from the “Faithful Slave” to let me be on “Hold” and not to worry.  So maybe this will be a good way to fade away into the Void.

 

So, I told the Elders that I appreciated their unanimous vote of confidence and their consideration of my situation.  I accepted their wishes, and decided that by the time they got around to wondering if I would ever come back, I would be long gone, and nowhere to be found.  So I thought ...

 

In the meantime, for the next couple of months, I was finally off of the hook.  And my next stop would be another important milestone:... A Defining Moment - visiting with Ray Franz ... To be continued ...