Finally a Life Worth Living

(anonymous)

I was born in 1965, shortly after my birth my parents separated. My mother had custody of me. She was a single Mom raising my older brother and myself. I don’t remember much about what happened the next few years but I found myself one day living with my father’s parents in the Dominican Republic. My grandparents were poor, but they tried their best to give me a good life, and make the most of holidays with the little they had. I didn’t see much of my parents for the next few years. I only heard of them through my grandparents. My father had remarried, his new wife had two children, and he’d become a Jehovah Witness. After this happened, whenever my birthday came around my grandmother made a big deal of not letting my father know that I was still celebrating my birthday, or any other holiday for that matter. I didn’t understand why, nevertheless we made sure he didn’t know.

In the summer of 1975, shortly before my 10^th birthday, my father arrived in the Dominican Republic with his new family, I was really excited, I was totally unaware of how my life was about to change. My father was there for about two weeks when I was informed that I would return to New York to live with him and his new family. I was excited at first, but shortly after arriving at the States I wished I could go back with my grandparents.

My life changed drastically. I went from being a free spirited child to having rules and regulations for everything I did. I was not allowed outside the home, I was not allowed to socialize with anyone, worldly or JW (no one was good enough for my stepmother). I couldn’t celebrate my tenth birthday or any other holiday thereafter. School was difficult, not only was I presented with a language barrier I was an outcast because of my recent beliefs, beliefs that were implanted on me.

I didn’t welcome the truth, or the new life I was living. I thought of my grandparents, aunts, and friends I’d left behind. Nevertheless I had no choice but to follow the new life I had before me.

My father was not very spiritual. It was apparent he was a witness because his wife wanted them to be in the truth. She felt she was the most spiritual person you could have ever met. She criticized everyone at the hall, and kept us from everyone she felt was not spiritual enough. We didn’t do much other than visit my stepmother’s family on weekends. Ironically her mother lived a block away from my real mother, who I had not seen in years. Whenever we visited her family I was instructed to hide in the car, which I never understood.

My life with my father was very undesirable; my stepmother’s kids were exemplary, but not long after I moved in with my father, her son started molesting me. I never said a word about it and eventually felt that I was as much to blame for what was happening. Years went by and the incidents kept persisting. I led a life full of guilt because of what was happening to me, and I was not very spiritual, the truth was not in my heart, although the fear of everything I’d learned to date was.

When I was in the 10^th grade my mother showed up at our house. My father was very shocked, apparently someone had told her where he lived. I didn’t welcome my mother’s visit. I blamed her for the life I was living. I didn’t know her reasons for sending me to live with my grandparents, but I knew that if only she would have kept me with her, I would be living a better life. I didn’t want to see her and my father and his wife had put enough negative thoughts about her in my head for me not to want her around. They told me she was involved in devil worshipping, and that she had abandoned me, therefore I shouldn’t want to be around her.

In 1985, a year after I had graduated high school, I felt I had to get baptized. Everyone else I knew was, and it was expected of me. So I got baptized at a circuit assembly. Shortly after I was baptized my stepmother found out about the abuse I’d experienced from her son. In fear of being blamed for what her son had done, she had a committee meet with me, the committee felt that I was to blame for the acts, and I was expelled. I didn’t do much to defend myself.

The guilt was too much for me, and due to lack of experience, and not knowing the difference between being intimate with someone, and being at fault for doing something, I agreed to everything that was said in the committee. It wasn’t until years later when I did become intimate with someone that I realized I had not been intimate at all. So I was expelled. I was forced to attend the meeting the evening the letter, advising the brothers that I was expelled, was read. The congregation was in shock. Remember what I said earlier, we were not allowed to socialize with anyone, because we were supposed to be better than everyone else.

As far as I was concerned no one ever knew exactly why I was expelled. I had no boyfriend, and despite my lack of faith, I was always doing what I was supposed to do in the hall. In everyone’s eye I was exemplary. I continued to go to all the meetings, subject myself to everyone shunning me, and dealt with my stepmother’s daily guilt trips. Her son had moved out of the house by then, and she made sure I felt her pain every day. She would start crying in the hall, and when she went out on service, then she would tell me about it, how everyone noticed, and everyone knew she was in so much pain because of what I had done.

I dealt with it, continued going to my meetings, and was reinstated a year later. It was the happiest time in my life as I remember. Everyone at the hall embraced me when the letter was read. I remember being in shock, as I felt everyone disliked me that entire year. I did a lot more in the truth. I was finally living free of the guilt I lived with before then. My life at home was still a nightmare. My stepmother wanted me to feel the guilt everyday, and she made my life impossible.

My father and his wife decided to relocate to Florida. I had started working full time in the city at that time, and the thought of starting a new life in a different place was very attractive.

During the time that we were looking for a house in Florida I realized that I had no place living with my father. We had never developed a close relationship; he cared more about his stepchildren, then me. My stepmother and her guilt trips were driving me insane, and I felt I needed to start a new life on my own.

I was 21, and very inexperienced. I had grown in a very abusive household, both physically, and mentally. I decided I wanted to stay behind, but I couldn’t figure out how. At the time there were a few brothers pursuing me at the hall, so I decided to start dating one of them. I thought that if I started dating someone I would have no problems staying behind. As usual my stepmother took over, and had a meeting with 5 elders and the brother I was dating. She wanted us to get engaged before they left. This was done, and off they went.

I was finally on my own, and that brother and I did not last long after they departed. The freedom was amazing to me! I couldn’t figure out what to do with myself, I slowly started hanging out with the wilder crowd in the Kingdom Hall. I was truly enjoying myself for once in my life.

It was 1988 when I started dating a brother, who was 5 years younger than me. I could only relate to him, because I had led such a sheltered life that I was at least five years behind in experience. Thinking about now, I realize that he was the male version of me. He had his own story. We started dating without telling anyone and eventually got sexually involved. This was my first sexual encounter, even though in everybody else’s eyes I had lost my virginity years before. He himself was shocked to find out he was my first. I told him my whole life history. We bonded beyond belief. He encouraged me to look for my mother, and have a relationship with her, he lost his mother when he was 9, and knew how special a mother could be. I felt so much love for this man, and the life he’d introduced to me.

We were both expelled six months after we started dating. This was my second time, and everyone was blaming me this time. You see this brother was the nephew of a very prominent elder, and he was younger than I was, and I’d been expelled already, therefore, I was the bad seed.

We got married April of 1989. My husband now had confessed to me to having been sexually active for years, and also dealing drugs throughout his years in high school. I was shocked. I had led such a sheltered life, and had paid for everything I’d ever done. I’d been judge by everyone in the Kingdom Hall. Nevertheless, I was married now, and very much in love. We both decided to return to the hall, we were both expelled at the same time, for the same sin had rectified the act by getting married and we were both attending the meetings together. But somehow he was reinstated six months after, this without ever meeting with a committee to be reinstated. I remember the day the letter was read at the Kingdom Hall, we were both shocked. I went to the hall for an entire year met with the committee various times, and was refused reinstatement.

During that year I had undergone open-heart surgery, I had this surgery without accepting a blood transfusion. My family was not there for me, nor was my husband’s family. My real mother was there. She took care of me every day, and provided food for my husband while I was in the hospital. I was there for over a month.

When I returned from the surgery I was very upset, here I was at 23 undergoing something very serious, was strong enough spiritually not to accept a blood transfusion, yet I was being judged, and shunned away by my family and friends. Shortly after this my husband, who was back in the truth, had started dealing drugs, again. We did not need the money we both had good jobs, and made enough money to take care of our expenses. He partied all the time, and had become a bit abusive.

We were not attending the meetings that much at this time, I couldn’t see how to go to Kingdom Hall, I disagreed with my husband’s dealings, I had nothing to do with it and yet I felt very guilty for what was going on. I was afraid of the cops catching him, and ending up going to jail for something I didn’t do. I’m not sure how much of this his family knew, but some how without requesting reinstatement, and without attending the meetings the elders came by to inform me that they would be reinstating me. They said that maybe my husband was a bit cold in the truth due to the fact that he didn’t have my support in the truth.

I didn’t agree, but they went ahead and reinstated me, I can’t remember if I was in the hall the day they made the announcement, but that ‘s what had happened. Months after I was reinstated my husband got into a fight at a nightclub. He was arrested, and beaten by the cops. He was so scared after the incident that he straightened out his act, and decided to go back to Kingdom Hall. We started attending meetings again.

I thought everything was fine, until one evening when we were lying down, he said he needed to confess something to me. I looked at him, and laughed, and said, “…what you cheated on me?” You see the thought never would have crossed my mind, despite anything that happened we were always very much in love. As far as I was concerned he would never betray me. But he had, and he’d confessed to the elders and they told him he had to tell me. The next day we met with a committee. This committee was made up of three elders, my husband’s uncle, his cousin, and another elder I’d never met before.

They told me I had to tell them right then and there if, I was going to forgive him. If I forgave him, he wouldn’t be expelled, but if, I didn’t forgive him, then he would be expelled, and I would be free from the marriage. I was very confused, everything was happening too fast for me. You see my husband was the only person I felt truly loved me. I went through nine years of my life without the love of a mother and a father. Spend 11 years with my father and stepmother, and that was hell and finally here I was with someone I loved. I no longer had to pretend and I thought he wasn’t pretending with me, but I was obviously wrong.

I said I would forgive him. There was too much going on, I honestly couldn’t figure out what to do on my own. So I forgave him, and we continued to attend the meetings like a normal couple with nothing between us.

After months of this meeting, my husband became a ministerial servant, and he’d become so spiritual you could hardly see him. He was very involved with all kinds of activities at the Kingdom Hall. In the meantime, I was dealing with the woman he’d betrayed me with. She was calling me on a regular basis at work to complain about the entire incident. To tell me her daughter was his daughter. She told me about their wild nights while I was in the hospital, during my surgery.

At this point in time I wished I had the opportunity to say, “no I don’t forgive him.” I was so upset. I couldn’t believe he was a Ministerial Servant. It was so easy for him! I had to prove myself all my life, yet the nephew of a prominent elder could do no wrong. I started socializing more at work with worldly people. I was very attractive, and I always had guys pursuing me at work. So I accepted the invitation of one of my co-workers to lunch. We kissed, and never met again. I told my husband of the incident, and he proceeded to get a committee together to discuss the incident.

I sat and thought of all the meetings with the elders. My two experiences getting expelled out of the truth. I didn’t want to go through that process again. I was in the same hometown, and my reputation had proceeded me. His uncle and cousin did not want to sit in my committee. They said it wouldn’t be appropriate considering we were in the family, (funny it wasn’t a problem when they sat on his committee).

I moved out of my apartment, I left my husband, and refused to meet with a committee. I kept busy working overtime, and was hardly ever around. A month later I received a letter under my door, this is what the letter said:

“We’ve try contacting you on various occasion. We’re scheduling a meeting to meet with you next Thursday, evening, at 6:00 p.m. If you’re not present at this meeting we will assumed you have something to hide, and we’ll see no other alternative then to remove you from the congregation”

I never attended that meeting, and I was expelled for the third time. I continued to live my life as best I could. My husband and I would see each other from time to time. We couldn’t get divorced. According to the elders he needed prove that I was unfaithful for him to be free to divorce me. I wasn’t dating anyone, so he had to sit and wait. It’s just interesting how they didn’t need proof in order to remove me from the congregation.

After a year of separation, I told him to go ahead and get a divorce, I said, I’m now seeing someone. So he did. I felt really lonely, and thought I put myself through the drill yet one more time. You think I’d learned my lesson. Well after a year of attending the meetings, at a new Kingdom Hall, in a new town, I wrote to the elders to consider my reinstatement.

They met with me, I explained to them that I never met with the elders and they went ahead and expelled me without ever meeting with me. Well that was a mistake. They felt I was not repented of my sins. You see if I was, truly repented, I would have never mentioned the incident about the elders making the decision of expelling me without my meeting with them first. Obviously, if I didn’t meet with them, I had something to hide.

I decided never to pursue the truth again. I’m now 34 years old, married with two children. After I had my daughter I realized I needed to develop a good relationship with my mother. I now have a good relationship with her, and she is not into devil worshipping. She explained to me why she’d sent me to live with my father’s parents, about how my father took me from my grandparents house without her consent, how she looked for me for years not knowing where I was. What my father did to her was very unfair.

My father is out of my life, because of the path I’ve chosen. He doesn’t know his two beautiful grandchildren. But that’s his loss, not theirs. I give my children all the love I was neglected growing up, and I refuse to force religion and fear of God on them. Until recently I lived in fear, I now live life one day at a time, and I try to be the best person I can be knowing that I’m not a bad person, just a person who ended up in a very bad situation one too many times. I now have a man that loves me, and two children who love me unconditionally.

Life is finally worth living.